I'll admit, my blog is not a very popular one. And that's sort of how I like it. I see this as less of a way to share my views with the world and more as my personal confidant. I like it when others read my thoughts, but I allow this primarily because none of these people in Xanga-land know me or will ever meet me! So, like I said, I don't get much traffic here at all.

The only exception to this is a blog I wrote to vent my frustrations about my dating life several months ago that I titled "I'm Sick of Ugly Guys and Being Alone." This post in specifically has had 75 hits when all my other blog entries are somewhere between 1 and 12. So it led my to ask... why? Why this one in particular? It's not the most intelligent or interesting piece I have ever written, and it's admittedly whiny. So I looked into it and found that it was popping up when people typed into Google things like, "Sick of being alone," and "Why am I ugly?"

Apparently these are a lot of people that are alone out there and who feel that they are ugly enough that they have to do a GOOGLE SEARCH of all things about it. This is kind of a disturbing notion. I mean, all people feel alone at one point in time or another, and I'll admit I've felt ugly before, but I've never been compelled to ask if Google knew the answers to my problems.

This is a mystery.

There are a lot of sad people out there, I guess.

Hm.

It's horrible to say, but it's fun to be mad at people. It's fun to hate. It's fun... for a little while anyway.

Today, as I was on my way to work, some guy in a Buick Rendezvous, of all things, cuts me off. And then races up on the ass of the person in front of me, hitting his brakes several times so he doesn't hit them. So, of course, I was pissed about being cut off by an old guy in a Buick. So I get on his ass. He changes lanes, trying to pass, but I floor it and cut in front of him. He gets back in the other lane, and I dart back in front of him. He goes back to try and pass, and I floor it. This guy is doing about 90, but he can't keep up with me obviously. So I pull right up next to a Semi, and match speed with it so he can't pass. We're doing about 60, and this guy is just right on my ass, and I can tell he's getting pissed as hell. I stay at 60 for a while, not letting him pass. I get bored after a couple minutes and I just floor it. It was a nice, smooth section of the freeway where there's never cops, so I let the Nova tear it up for about 5 miles, and this guy is just left in the dust. It's a very satisfying feeling.

I could live off of that kind of adrenaline.

But I feel like... Well, to be perfectly honest, I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach. My chest is all tight, and there's a lump in the back of my throat. I've felt this way pretty much all day. My heart rate has been elevated; I can feel every thump throughout my whole body. It's not a pleasant feeling at all. It's kind of like in movies sometimes, during a fight scene, when things start moving in slow motion and all external noise fades out and all the character hears is the sound of his own heart, and there's sweat dripping off the brow, and so forth. It's kind of like that, but much less glorious.

I think this is the way hate is manifesting itself in my body. I have a lot of hate all stored up in here. I have some amount of hate for my dad, who couldn't even spare a half-hour out of his day to come see my new house and get the cookies I made for him, but is able to make time to drive all the way to my work in Mount Vernon to get my employee discount on a gun and ammo he was buying for my younger brother and sister. I have a sizable amount of hate for my current roommates, who I am sure are at this very moment smugly congratulating themselves on getting Ben and I kicked out, so that they can decorate the living room however they want.

Kendan says that part of the reason he stopped hanging out with me was because I was so negative, and I said I hated everyone. I didn't hate everyone, of course, but when I saw someone who had an undesirable trait, or did something I didn't like, I would immediately criticize and judge. Immediately. I hated the checker at the grocery store who was slow. I hated the person who cut in front of me at the intersection. I hated the gas station attendant who was ugly. I hated everyone.

I don't really feel that way anymore. I was so negative back then, and I think it had something to do with all the drugs Kendan and I did. Drugs seemed to change my personality a little bit. I became more negative, and less responsive to the needs of others, and very much less empathetic. I became jaded, a little. I mean, I see this all know, but back then, I though Kendan was the only person who understood what I was thinking - that we were better than everyone else out there - we were the enlightened ones, and fuck everyone else. But he didn't really feel that way at all. I mean, I guess he did to some degreee, but he eventually came to hate me for my negativity. Sure, he thought he was better than everyone else, but he didn't immediately write everyone else off as the scum of the earth.

I remember the day he and I went to the mall and bought Gutar hero III. And this girl in Anchor Blue started talking to us about it, and right away I got on the defensive. She was cute, and short, just the kind of girl Kendan would like. And then there was me, tall, awkward feeling.... I felt like a moose compared to her, and I hated her because I felt like I couldn't be what Kendan wanted. But in retrospect, I realize how ridiculous I was being! I didn't want Kendan for myself! I even took care to not walk too close to him in the mall because I didn't want people to think I was going out with a guy who was shorter than me. I just wanted to be included in the realm of people he considered to be worth his time. There was me, and then there was Tamlyn. He took her to the Apocalyptica concert, not me.

But this is all pretty irrelevant now, I suppose. And the more I try and dredge up the past, and think about why I am the way I am today, the tighter my chest feels and the quicker my heart seems to need to push my blood through my veins. I'm kind of on the fence as far as drugs are concerned. I have money, now, which would have made the old Crystal just go out and buy a lot of drugs. But I don't really have anyone to do these drugs with anymore, and the last time I did coke was with Josh, and then afterward, I wanted more, but there was no more, and there's this restlessness that overtook me. It wasn't like the way an addict feels. I didn't just want more drug, I wanted to feeling of culmination to end. In my rational mind, I udnerstood that that was it. The best thing to do when you are our of coke is do something else, like a vicodin, to help calm you down. Or go to sleep. I couldn't sleep this time, it was still mid-day. Ben didn't know Josh and I had been doing coke, so we dropped Josh off, and went to his parents' house. And, I'm not sure why... (because this should have been the last place I wanted to be while just coming off a coke trip) but I found peace there. It was so amazingly comforting as I curled up on Ben's old bed and closed my eyes. I didn't have to talk to anyone, I didn't have to think anything at all, and most of all, I felt safe. I was safe.

But I believe that I'm completely done with drugs.

All I need to do now if free myself from this hate that's inside of me.

I think I may go back to church. I used to go, and I don't really ever recall aquiring a sense of peace or forgiveness while I was there, but it just sounds right. I believe in God. the Christisan God, I suppose. It's how I was raised, Christian school and all... I wans't too into church, though. I mean, there's the song part, when you sing the words on the projector, only you can't even hear yourself singing because the band is so loud. The songs don't really mean anything personal to me, because they're just something I'm reading, I'm just following everyone else. And then there's the sermon. Ah, yes. The sermon, complete with fill-in-the blank notetaking provided in the bulletin, so that we can pretend we are paying attention. I never felt anything like I think people are supposed to feel in church.

But I don't know. Maybe I will go to a different one... Because right now it seems like the right thing to do.

I don't know why.

I haven't been myself lately.

I've been acting remarkably childish. I've been hateful, petulant, and selfish.

The reason is this: I have three roommates. One of whom is Ben, who in wonderful. The problem lies with the other two. They are both fat, and pretty much ugly. I could normally deal with something like this, but they are literally taking over my house. Take just last night for example. When the bitch first moved in, she kept putting trash in the recycling. So I put up signs that designated "trash" and "recycling" so there would be no confusion. I think now she is just retarded because she still puts trash in the recycling, and I always have to pick it out. I did the signs on cute paper and I drew little fancy edges on. But just last night, Jackie comes into the living room where Ben and I are sitting and asks if she can take down the signs because she thinks they are "kind of ugly."

Well let me tell you something. I think she is ugly. But you don't hear me talking about it.

We had this whole huge dramatic thing the other night. I was all upset that there were two fat women taking over my house, so I started crying outside by the duck pen. Ben didn't like seeing me cry, so he went inside and bitched the fuck out of them. And then they talked about it for like eight million years, and in the end it was decided that we all have to get along and I have to magically be okay with their shit everywhere.

Means I can't be mean to them anymore.

So they are one problem in my life. There are two others: my job, and my car. Now, I love my job. But I work at two locations, Bellingham and Mount Vernon. It's a half hour drive to Mount Vernon, and about 20 bucks in gas round trip. But I'll be perfectly honest - I love the Mount Vernon store and I hate the Bellingham store. So I sort of have this dilemma. I want to work full time in Mount Vernon, but I could never afford to with the Nova, which gets like 6 to the gallon.

I can see one perfect solution which would solve all three of my problems, and that is move to Mount Vernon.

I already have the perfect house picked out. We could live with a couple roommates that aren't fat, women, or ugly. It's got a big garage for Ben, and a nice back yard for the duckies. And, most importantly of all, I'd have a kitchen all to myself. No more sharing my space with two women that, let me tell you, take up a lot of it.

But do you really think it will happen?

I'm not sure.

Things never really seem to work out exactly the way I want them to....